Therapy

The most recent session with the Dildo was better. I was in a fuckitol mood, basically feeling I was going to ask my CPN to get me back on the waiting list to see a different therapist, I was also anxious that he would be all 'Hello how are you?' after my complaints in the previous session which would have been disastrous as there is no way I can trust someone to hold me mentally he if bends to my will. So I just started jabbering on before I had even taken my coat off. For some reason I had had some kind of panic thing on the tube and could feel the sweat running down my back so I was talking about how were I male it would feel much more acceptable to be as I am, sweaty, dishevelled, aggressive, violent rather than neat, restrained and contained. That I am more like Hulk - who is male - an id monster full of animalistic rages and urges. Wonder Woman however is a Golem - made of clay- no bodily functions or needs at all, perfect, always right, always dignified, a 'warrior' rather than a fighter. Then after a while he said 'You've gone quiet, you were telling me how you feel before but now something has happened' and I said 'Sometimes I have so many thoughts flying around in my head it's hard to grasp one and pull it out' And he went back to my being detached from everything, from myself and I said 'It feels more like being too attached, feeling too much, it's all right in my face so I can't focus. Like standing on the platform when the express train passes, the sound and momentum blast your senses - you can't pick out on carriage' He said 'But it's as if you won't even buy a ticket, you won't pick a carriage' 'Because I don't know which ones are real, because right now I might feel angry and aggressive but in an hour or by this evening or the next session I might feel totally different and it won't matter anymore' 'Won't matter?' 'I'm always putting a mask on, pretending to fit in, hoping no one finds out what I'm really like' 'Because you don't fit in anywhere, not like the other women in the office, can do a PhD but are so unwell and self destructive, and maybe you pick something and we have a conversation about it here and what if it's not 'real'.' And if you do allow yourself to experience these feelings, these intense emotions what happens then?' 'It's a problem... I can't just go round doing the things I'd want to do because other people would worry, I'd have to explain time lost to overdoses to my parents, my husband would panic... it would be alright...' 'If you were on your own' 'Yes exactly' 'Because you don't matter, it doesn't matter what you do to yourself, it only matters that it will cause other people anxiety' 'Exactly...' 'The only time when I really felt detached - because that to me implies being sort of free and not feeling things... is when I am getting tattooed. You just lie there and you realise although it's painful it's not really 'you' in pain, you can just lie there and you're not going to flinch or run away because you get into a state of being removed from it, just being this canvas that someone else is drawing on, and time passes without you really feeling 'in' it 3, 4 hours could be moments' 'The difference between getting a tattoo is that it's acceptable, you know it's allowed, you're getting the pain, the punishment, but it's for decoration, lots of people do it, but when you hurt yourself it brings you back to this question you can't avoid that way 'Why am I doing this terrible thing to myself?'' 'Well that is a question i just don't know the answer to, I just know it's' 'Something you have to do, something to make it ok, all the bad stuff is there, I'm bad so I'll do this, I'll burn myself and push it all back for a while, carry on, make things ok. But it all gets taken out on your body in a very cold cruel way, there's something very viscous there' *** 'I can't very well be myself around other people' 'What about here?' 'Well it's the same, to be accepted here, even to get the referral, I felt like I had to be so good, to promote the well side of myself, that I was functioning and coping rather than being 'too ill' 'But it sounded like you were able to get your claws out a bit earlier - you said 'leave the bitch'' That's nothing I think but don't say. 'but we have to stop there'. *********** I have been self medicating with: Lucky McKee