I saw my CPN yesterday. We had to go and sit in the park because all the rooms were booked up. My feet began to go white almost immediately. She is going to try and sort out the continued fuck ups with the GP and my scar reduction tape which they can't seem to prescribe correctly no mater how many messages I leave. The receptionist at one point told me to ring back and book and emergency appointment - can you imagine - just to sort out a prescription? I decided not to go to the support group at Uni today. I have reading to catch up on and I can't be bothered to sit and listen to a bunch of intolerant crap for an hour. You forget how much green space there is in London. Today I had a long run in one of the other local parks on the trail to help my sore leg along. Such a relief to be able to run again after not going since Thursday last week. I had a new tattoo done which took much longer than planned and was far more painful than I am used to. Also trying to remain in one position for longer than 2 hours is really uncomfortable. We were there with the machine buzzing away until everyone else had left and it was locking up time. I really like the artist, she isn't the most openly nice person but if you make the effort you can tell she is really sweet behind 'it' whatever it is, shyness, mannerism. I have to work hard to remember other people often perceive me as scary or standoffish though I am not, and so I might just as easily perceive others incorrectly. It struck me lying there feeling at a couple of moments as if my skin were being ripped apart, that I was a million time more comfortable and relaxed there than trying to sit in my office and work. I can't stand the silence. I feel like every movement I make is loud, I get fixated on feeling I have to swallow and that it will be loud or that my stomach is going to rumble loudly (and being anxious inevitably causes a build up of stomach acid which makes your tummy rumble which helps not at all) or my chair will creek or that my typing is too noisy. And the frustration - that it has got to the point where I can't even sit in a room. It's galling. For all that is better still simple things defy me. And I know it is hard for people to grasp, how can you being doing a PhD and yet be so incapable? I don't fit into any neat little boxes. I never used to be like this, somewhere my confidence just got ripped away. I thought the anxiety meds would help with these sorts of things, but not as yet. So my leg was painful to walk on for two or three days and forget running. Even after walking was fine after about half a mile it just ceased up and my foot wouldn't strike properly. I have hardly seen Jakey for what feels like weeks. He has been working over the weekends and I was out on Monday night so last night we just watched TV and cuddled, which was nice because he is not a very emotionally expressive person, he doesn't tend to hug or kiss or hold hands, so it felt nice just to be held and I felt safe. Because I had been feeling depressed. I have been self medicating with: The Yeah Yeah Yeahs