I have been doing well not drinking. The challenge will be the weekend. I suspect X-Factor will be in credibly boring without wine but we'll give it a go. I saw my CPN yesterday. Dragging myself out of bed for a morning start was torture. These meds mean I need so much more sleep but I ache at night and it's hard to get comfortable. I seem to be sleeping lightly and waking often.
I told her about the one incident this week where I had felt very compelled to but avoided taking another OD. She was pleased, as am I, and has got me a list of crisis numbers and overnight places to have by the phone. In a way it feels somewhat of a step back, because I haven't been this all over the place for so long, but then again I am certainly dealing with it better than the last round, actually taking the steps to prevent problems rather than letting them happen.
My head is full of burble at the moment. I keep having these intense dreams which I have started writing down and they take on a life of their own in fiction even after I wake up. It's nice to be writing again creatively, something that has come back along with the more bugnuts bits.
Being off the wellbutrin and having that huge cloak of anxiety lifted I feel like some of my personality has come back. Both the bad and the good. It's relieving. I have walked home from Uni a bunch of times on my own. Gone running even when it's starting to get dark. I feel more free and more alive if knackered at lot of the time.
I have been self medicating with: Cans of diet coke - tastes so much better than bottles
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Going forward not back
I have decided to give up alcohol until Christmas. With the duloxetine making me be more urgy, or rather not suppressing my self destructive urges the same way the wellbutrin did, it's not worth the risk to add alcohol into the mix. Plus with the amount of sleep I seem to need at the moment if I drink in the evening the next day is basically a write off and I have no time to do anything except go through the rituals of getting ready for Uni.
I need to start getting up earlier so I have time to run and stuff each day. And get my work done on an ongoing basis. It's not even that I go to bed too late. I just need so much sleep on this bloody stuff. Or maybe I don't it just makes waking up and getting started much harder.
I am armed with energy drinks and hope to get tomorrow off on the right foot.
I found my journal from when I was in hospital last night. What strange reading. It's totally like a different person and nothing like the one I feel like at the moment. It brought back the sheer hell of it, the panic at the forced weight gain. How immensely paranoid I was that people thought me fat and greedy - which in retrospect makes no sense as I was being kept there for anorexia and they were struggling to make me keep my feeding tube in. It was horrible to realise how confused, scared and miserable I was. And yes I still wish I were 10-15lbs lighter, but I don't want the eating disorder back, no way.
Anorexia is so not glamorous. It's all about shitting yourself with refeeding syndrome and having to beg the cute doctor for Imodium because you are scared to sleep in case you end up like Spud in Trainspotting only for him to tell you you're heart is too weak for any drugs that can help. It's about having to tell the nurse watching you that's you'll have to sit near a bathroom for the next two hours after your morning meds because they make you like Kenny from Southpark. It's about having someone write down every time you go the bathroom and whether it's for a one or a two.
And eating half your dinner off the floor when you are taken off the tube and onto solid foods because you say that's what you deserve. Making the nurses cry and the other patients visitors make comments like 'I don't know how that young girl can get a man to fancy her looking like that' as if the curtain between your beds blocks off sound as well as vision.
And having to get your bewbies out every morning for an ECG and cringing when they full the stickers off because you've grown fur on your chest. Yeah they call it languno like it makes it better you have a hairy chest and back.
Sexy oy!
So I still have to read the paper for tomorrows 'special class' even though it's past midnight and omg I just discovered Warren Ellis's blog were I not skint I would buy the TOTW every week. Hell I would buy Warren to come and read me bedtime stories.
I have been self medicating with: I read Identity Crisis last night. Wow. That is some messed up shit right there. I thought the plot device was a little soap opera but the things it allowed us to find out... yeesh.
I need to start getting up earlier so I have time to run and stuff each day. And get my work done on an ongoing basis. It's not even that I go to bed too late. I just need so much sleep on this bloody stuff. Or maybe I don't it just makes waking up and getting started much harder.
I am armed with energy drinks and hope to get tomorrow off on the right foot.
I found my journal from when I was in hospital last night. What strange reading. It's totally like a different person and nothing like the one I feel like at the moment. It brought back the sheer hell of it, the panic at the forced weight gain. How immensely paranoid I was that people thought me fat and greedy - which in retrospect makes no sense as I was being kept there for anorexia and they were struggling to make me keep my feeding tube in. It was horrible to realise how confused, scared and miserable I was. And yes I still wish I were 10-15lbs lighter, but I don't want the eating disorder back, no way.
Anorexia is so not glamorous. It's all about shitting yourself with refeeding syndrome and having to beg the cute doctor for Imodium because you are scared to sleep in case you end up like Spud in Trainspotting only for him to tell you you're heart is too weak for any drugs that can help. It's about having to tell the nurse watching you that's you'll have to sit near a bathroom for the next two hours after your morning meds because they make you like Kenny from Southpark. It's about having someone write down every time you go the bathroom and whether it's for a one or a two.
And eating half your dinner off the floor when you are taken off the tube and onto solid foods because you say that's what you deserve. Making the nurses cry and the other patients visitors make comments like 'I don't know how that young girl can get a man to fancy her looking like that' as if the curtain between your beds blocks off sound as well as vision.
And having to get your bewbies out every morning for an ECG and cringing when they full the stickers off because you've grown fur on your chest. Yeah they call it languno like it makes it better you have a hairy chest and back.
Sexy oy!
So I still have to read the paper for tomorrows 'special class' even though it's past midnight and omg I just discovered Warren Ellis's blog were I not skint I would buy the TOTW every week. Hell I would buy Warren to come and read me bedtime stories.
I have been self medicating with: I read Identity Crisis last night. Wow. That is some messed up shit right there. I thought the plot device was a little soap opera but the things it allowed us to find out... yeesh.
Friday, November 13, 2009
On and on
Well the anxiety is always worse than the actuality isn't it?
Seeing the CPN was fine. I was suprising how naturally we just started talking again. She did notice my weight loss and we had a brief discussion about how ill I had been before. Sometimes it helps to remember it wasn't a completely different person who was in that place especially as time goes on. Mostly we talked about my self harm and the recent OD. It was really not as hard as I had anticipated. I didn't ask why she had been off, I didn't feel it would have been appropriate, but I did say I was very glad she was back so I hope that conveyed... you know.
In more fun news the local library has reshuffled thegraphic novels it holds so I got a bunch of fun stuff. The first Authority - I heart Warren Ellis, a Nightwing story - holy hardcore, the first Fables book, the second Whiteout book - awesome, and a bumper Justice League collection.
Ran yesterday. No time today but did do a workout DVD at home. Got class this evening my hair is still wet - ulp.
I have been self medicating with: Soya milk
Seeing the CPN was fine. I was suprising how naturally we just started talking again. She did notice my weight loss and we had a brief discussion about how ill I had been before. Sometimes it helps to remember it wasn't a completely different person who was in that place especially as time goes on. Mostly we talked about my self harm and the recent OD. It was really not as hard as I had anticipated. I didn't ask why she had been off, I didn't feel it would have been appropriate, but I did say I was very glad she was back so I hope that conveyed... you know.
In more fun news the local library has reshuffled thegraphic novels it holds so I got a bunch of fun stuff. The first Authority - I heart Warren Ellis, a Nightwing story - holy hardcore, the first Fables book, the second Whiteout book - awesome, and a bumper Justice League collection.
Ran yesterday. No time today but did do a workout DVD at home. Got class this evening my hair is still wet - ulp.
I have been self medicating with: Soya milk
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Scorcio
I decided not to exercise today in spite of feeling really fat and horrible because I woke up sneezing my head off and it's just freezing. Will get back at it tomorrow though. In stead I plonked myself in front of the lap top and got a bunch of work done. It was good because I was feeling overwhelmed by the volume of work but I feel caught up now.
I have my 'special class' tutorial this afternoon followed by lectures. Feels like a long day and I will have to try and grab a snack in between times to keep myself going. Or perhaps get back on the coffee wagon.
Tomorrow is going to be odd. I really value my free mid week but I see my CPN for the first time in ages and then have to go in to have another meeting about my dissertation. I think my dissertation is in much better shape now than it was but whether Mr Supervisor will agree, we'll see. I'm anxious about seeing my CPN because she has been off sick for so long. Because my weight has dropped since I last saw her but by no where near as much as I'd like. Because I am worried about what was wrong with her and if it was in some way my fault or if she might be leaving as a result of it. Don't like not knowing. Jakey is all about the plans and I am too though in a different way. I like to plan and partition emotionally. I can be spontaneous and reckless in my actions but it is all about keeping the emotional in neat contained boxes.
I have been self medicating with: Hot tea
I have my 'special class' tutorial this afternoon followed by lectures. Feels like a long day and I will have to try and grab a snack in between times to keep myself going. Or perhaps get back on the coffee wagon.
Tomorrow is going to be odd. I really value my free mid week but I see my CPN for the first time in ages and then have to go in to have another meeting about my dissertation. I think my dissertation is in much better shape now than it was but whether Mr Supervisor will agree, we'll see. I'm anxious about seeing my CPN because she has been off sick for so long. Because my weight has dropped since I last saw her but by no where near as much as I'd like. Because I am worried about what was wrong with her and if it was in some way my fault or if she might be leaving as a result of it. Don't like not knowing. Jakey is all about the plans and I am too though in a different way. I like to plan and partition emotionally. I can be spontaneous and reckless in my actions but it is all about keeping the emotional in neat contained boxes.
I have been self medicating with: Hot tea
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Epic fail
I spent the night in hospital on Friday after an OD. I don't even know why I did it. I lack self control still. Though I am better than I have been. I had charcoal and an ECG and a drip and stuff but it took till late on Saturday morning to get my blood pressure back up to acceptable. Then again I have always had low-ish blood pressure.
They bandaged my arm and let me go at about midday without seeing the psychiatrist because really what would be the point? I know what I did was stupid and why and how to try not to repeat it.
Jakey was very good and didn't shout at me or anything which is a relief as, well you know you shout at yourself enough in your head when these things happen, really someone else doing it is only telling you what you already know.
I daren't weigh myself for a few days now because the drip pumps you full of fluid and it takes a while for your body to deflate.
Got to get back to the more regimented, busy, controlled behaviour of the beginning of the week. Make a do list and get it done, not waste time on the internets, eat regularly.
Saturday night I made the pilgrimage to my folks house to watch X-factor - lets hope that small blond boy gets voted off next.
Jakey has been ill with a chest infection and is snoring away at the moment. He says the heating makes the air too stuff so I am sitting here freezing my ass off trying to work on my dissertation.
I have been self medicating with: Christmas diet cokes cans!
They bandaged my arm and let me go at about midday without seeing the psychiatrist because really what would be the point? I know what I did was stupid and why and how to try not to repeat it.
Jakey was very good and didn't shout at me or anything which is a relief as, well you know you shout at yourself enough in your head when these things happen, really someone else doing it is only telling you what you already know.
I daren't weigh myself for a few days now because the drip pumps you full of fluid and it takes a while for your body to deflate.
Got to get back to the more regimented, busy, controlled behaviour of the beginning of the week. Make a do list and get it done, not waste time on the internets, eat regularly.
Saturday night I made the pilgrimage to my folks house to watch X-factor - lets hope that small blond boy gets voted off next.
Jakey has been ill with a chest infection and is snoring away at the moment. He says the heating makes the air too stuff so I am sitting here freezing my ass off trying to work on my dissertation.
I have been self medicating with: Christmas diet cokes cans!
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Eat my spellcheck
The internets are being all skwiky again.
I'm getting totally skilled at eating with my left hand while I scroll with the right.
I'm at the lowest weight I have been since over two Christmases ago.
I have a bunch of work still to do for my dissertation tutorial tomorrow.
Need to take my meds right now...
Autumn is awesome but wet leaves are scary to run over, especially down hill.
Had a mushroom soups for lunch.
Have reduced wine consumption.
New Runners World mag arrived.
Jakey = squee - he even took out the rubbish inside the kitchen bin and put a new bag in, it's love.
I have been self medicating with: Horror films
I'm getting totally skilled at eating with my left hand while I scroll with the right.
I'm at the lowest weight I have been since over two Christmases ago.
I have a bunch of work still to do for my dissertation tutorial tomorrow.
Need to take my meds right now...
Autumn is awesome but wet leaves are scary to run over, especially down hill.
Had a mushroom soups for lunch.
Have reduced wine consumption.
New Runners World mag arrived.
Jakey = squee - he even took out the rubbish inside the kitchen bin and put a new bag in, it's love.
I have been self medicating with: Horror films
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Shuffle
Woke up freezing this morning. Felt like I slept okay but I am still getting this achey stuffness in my joints. Must be getting old. Jakey got home lateish last night but we still watched 2 movies. Even so I got up an hour earlier today than yesterday and hopefully will get up earlier again tomorrow. Re-set self.
Hope the rain slows down a bit before my run. I actually love running in the rain but I am scared for my iPod, maybe I should get a skin thing for it but I wonder how much they protect it frm the rain.
I had fun yesterday using a voucher to get 3 free music downloads. Amanda Palmer's Oasis song is the best shit ever.
Yesterdays:
Go for a run
Clean the front room That took bloody ages
Put the rubbish out Jakey did it but I bagged everything up
Do an exercise DVD
Finish formatting and print my transcript
Begin the analysis
Yeah so I did most of my shit yesterday. I still need to print my paper out and start work on it which hopefully I will do this afternoon.
Today I need to
Run
Exercise DVD
Print transcript
Work on it
Do the washing up
Get light bulbs
Enter my coke codes
I have been self medicating with: Hoodies and long jams
Hope the rain slows down a bit before my run. I actually love running in the rain but I am scared for my iPod, maybe I should get a skin thing for it but I wonder how much they protect it frm the rain.
I had fun yesterday using a voucher to get 3 free music downloads. Amanda Palmer's Oasis song is the best shit ever.
Yesterdays:
Begin the analysis
Yeah so I did most of my shit yesterday. I still need to print my paper out and start work on it which hopefully I will do this afternoon.
Today I need to
Run
Exercise DVD
Print transcript
Work on it
Do the washing up
Get light bulbs
Enter my coke codes
I have been self medicating with: Hoodies and long jams
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