I have no strong feelings about the death of Michael Jackson. For some reason I just missed the whole Jackson phenomenon growing up. Didn't listen to any of his music. There were girls I went to school with who were utterly crazy for him but somehow my radar completely blanked.
I do find it odd listening to people ringing up the radio and crying uncontrollably, men as well as women, but he has always had those intense fans I guess. Fans that didn't seem to care how weird he became, the 'whiff of paedophilia' as it was described on the radio, the child like behaviour.
Was he an artistic genius, well I was never a fan and I don't like the Beatles so what do I know? A lot of his later stuff I excruciatingly cliched and makes me feel the way I do when I hear Imagine. That kind of throw up a bit in my mouth feeling.
The strongest feeling I get, which is one I often get when there is a big celebrity death, is that it becomes something everyone can share. It is something discussed between anyone and everyone, random muddy Glastonbury campers passing the news round the tents, young old, race sex what ever. And that makes me sad, because it reminds me how how lacking we are as a society in those opportunities for collective experience (a reason I am a sports fan and am happy for the Olympics to come here), because there isn't a political party, or solidarity within a social class, or a strong church movement (maybe a reason people are so frightened by Islam as it does seem to unify its followers where Christianity has lost the ability to). During the tube strikes there was barely any coherence within the union involved let alone outside it, but when a celebrity dies it is as if due to their celebrity, reaction, feeling, is public property and so unites people in a strange way.
That makes me sad.
I was trying to think about a death of a public figure which has deeply saddened me in a way this one seems to have so many others and I really couldn't come up with one. When Ted Hughes died I felt mostly a great sense of satisfaction at the work he had left behind, this amazing wealth of art that was alive.
Maybe I just don't love celebrities or famous people, not in a way where if one died I would feel a whole in my personal emotional structure.
But then I am the first to ball my eyes out during a film or TV show. I guess you extract personal relevance from these things.
Hmmm.
I have been self medicating with: Free coke glass.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Yeah so
The last few days have been 90% cleaning 10% getting pissed with Jakey for making mess or telling him not to make mess which he makes anyway.
The flat was meant to be inspected yesterday pre hopefully resigning our contract, but they called at the last minute to cancel so are coming today. We aren't in any position to complain because we want to resign the contract but these guys don't half test your patience. They come an hour late if they come at all sort of thing.
And I gotten up early to make sure everything was clean and shit after staying up half the night playing WoW. Caught up a bit last night but still had to get up early to take the cat to the vet.
I'm determined to go for a run today too.
I went to Tesco yesterday and you can't turn around without seeing millions of magazin covers splashed with Katie 'Jordan' Price and her impending breakdown. It's funny how more and more behaviour is captured by the language of mental health these days.
Seriously, how far from normal is going on holiday with the girls and getting smashed after splitting up with your bloke? And yet the magazines are full of psychologists warning of the depressant effect of alcohol, the self sabotaging behaviour blah blah blah. This is Jordan we're talking about afterall. If the Queen was getting wasted and flashing her junk all over the beach in Ibiza I might think she was going a bit nuts.
I have been self medicating with: Diet coke
The flat was meant to be inspected yesterday pre hopefully resigning our contract, but they called at the last minute to cancel so are coming today. We aren't in any position to complain because we want to resign the contract but these guys don't half test your patience. They come an hour late if they come at all sort of thing.
And I gotten up early to make sure everything was clean and shit after staying up half the night playing WoW. Caught up a bit last night but still had to get up early to take the cat to the vet.
I'm determined to go for a run today too.
I went to Tesco yesterday and you can't turn around without seeing millions of magazin covers splashed with Katie 'Jordan' Price and her impending breakdown. It's funny how more and more behaviour is captured by the language of mental health these days.
Seriously, how far from normal is going on holiday with the girls and getting smashed after splitting up with your bloke? And yet the magazines are full of psychologists warning of the depressant effect of alcohol, the self sabotaging behaviour blah blah blah. This is Jordan we're talking about afterall. If the Queen was getting wasted and flashing her junk all over the beach in Ibiza I might think she was going a bit nuts.
I have been self medicating with: Diet coke
Friday, June 19, 2009
Today has been really not very exciting at all. What's new? I don't think I even left the flat. A bad habit to get into. Basically divided time between moving bits back into the front room and playing WoW (I rolled a Paladin and it is awesome why didn't I play one before?).
Went running (oh yeah did go out) and got back just before Jakey. Then we went in the garden for a bit and drank wine from a mug -not so great actually. Watched a movie, played some more WoW, watched another movie.
Fin
I have been self medicating with: Sugar free Vimto
Went running (oh yeah did go out) and got back just before Jakey. Then we went in the garden for a bit and drank wine from a mug -not so great actually. Watched a movie, played some more WoW, watched another movie.
Fin
I have been self medicating with: Sugar free Vimto
Thursday, June 18, 2009
New leaf
I'm going to make an effort to blog everyday during the holidays because without a rule I inevitably let things slip.
So today I got up too early for my liking and went to see my CPN. It was hot. I bought a bottle of coke zero on the walk home and listened to my new recording of The Tempest.
Then we had some carpetgate. See our flat is being inspected next week so I arranged to have the living room carpet cleaned. The guy came and did it but made some weird bright pink marks on the carpet. Whatever. It was meant to dry in 2-3 hours. About 7 hours later when Jakey got home it was still soaked and he said it looked just as dirty as when he'd left in the morning pre the cleaning. I send off some e-mails to the company and the carpet is wet all evening. I also spend a lot of the day waiting in for the courier to collect my broken XBox because that shit is still going on.
At about 10:30 when I am playing WoW and Jakey is asleep snoring next to me because we can't get back in the living room as the carpet is soaked, carpet guy phones. He says he will come back the next day at 10am. The next day at 10am he doesn't turn up and the carpet is still wet and has been wet all night so is now stinking to high hell. He phoned at 11:10 to say he will be half an hour. When he arrives he first tries to say it is dry and I'm like 'dude my socks are soaked through just standing here'. He gets some spray to deodorise it and says 'no it will be nice' and gives me a half used up bottle of vanish because I have been trying to ask him what products I can use on the marks that are compatible with the chemicals he uses and he won't tell me.
He does tell me the carpet is still wet because his machine was broken when he cleaned it and didn't suck up any of the water. So basically I have a carpet soaked through with dirty water.
By the afternoon the deodoriser has worn off, the carpet is still wet and stinks to an even higher hell. I send more e-mails and they agree to send him the next day which is today, at 6pm.
At 11:30am he calls and asks if he can come in 30 minutes. I say okay because give the thing more time to dry. He has a new machine and re cleans it and makes me stand outside to keep an eye on his bloody van. The carpet looks clean now so I am on smell detection as it dries off.
Why can't things just work how they are meant to?
Is capitalism so broken?
And why are Gymbox cunts?
I already complained to Boris Johnson about their Chav fighting classes which 'really gets my dander up' because how is it okay to promote beating up poor people? Other people had complained to the advertising standards association or commission or whatever it is called and their chav fighting class was deemed okay because it was light hearted. Seriously? If it had been paki bashing classes would that be ok?
Today the smug assholes are parading outside gymbox wearing vests saying 'I'd rather be chav fighting' to celebrate their right to continue to be obnoxious cunts.
Anyway, so to round off the day I went food shopping and got another Rockstar and now we are watching the A-Team.
I have been self medicating with: I also picked up 3 of the 4 Rama books by Arthur C Clarke from the charity shop the other day while waiting for the chemist to refill my meds. Double happy.
So today I got up too early for my liking and went to see my CPN. It was hot. I bought a bottle of coke zero on the walk home and listened to my new recording of The Tempest.
Then we had some carpetgate. See our flat is being inspected next week so I arranged to have the living room carpet cleaned. The guy came and did it but made some weird bright pink marks on the carpet. Whatever. It was meant to dry in 2-3 hours. About 7 hours later when Jakey got home it was still soaked and he said it looked just as dirty as when he'd left in the morning pre the cleaning. I send off some e-mails to the company and the carpet is wet all evening. I also spend a lot of the day waiting in for the courier to collect my broken XBox because that shit is still going on.
At about 10:30 when I am playing WoW and Jakey is asleep snoring next to me because we can't get back in the living room as the carpet is soaked, carpet guy phones. He says he will come back the next day at 10am. The next day at 10am he doesn't turn up and the carpet is still wet and has been wet all night so is now stinking to high hell. He phoned at 11:10 to say he will be half an hour. When he arrives he first tries to say it is dry and I'm like 'dude my socks are soaked through just standing here'. He gets some spray to deodorise it and says 'no it will be nice' and gives me a half used up bottle of vanish because I have been trying to ask him what products I can use on the marks that are compatible with the chemicals he uses and he won't tell me.
He does tell me the carpet is still wet because his machine was broken when he cleaned it and didn't suck up any of the water. So basically I have a carpet soaked through with dirty water.
By the afternoon the deodoriser has worn off, the carpet is still wet and stinks to an even higher hell. I send more e-mails and they agree to send him the next day which is today, at 6pm.
At 11:30am he calls and asks if he can come in 30 minutes. I say okay because give the thing more time to dry. He has a new machine and re cleans it and makes me stand outside to keep an eye on his bloody van. The carpet looks clean now so I am on smell detection as it dries off.
Why can't things just work how they are meant to?
Is capitalism so broken?
And why are Gymbox cunts?
I already complained to Boris Johnson about their Chav fighting classes which 'really gets my dander up' because how is it okay to promote beating up poor people? Other people had complained to the advertising standards association or commission or whatever it is called and their chav fighting class was deemed okay because it was light hearted. Seriously? If it had been paki bashing classes would that be ok?
Today the smug assholes are parading outside gymbox wearing vests saying 'I'd rather be chav fighting' to celebrate their right to continue to be obnoxious cunts.
Anyway, so to round off the day I went food shopping and got another Rockstar and now we are watching the A-Team.
I have been self medicating with: I also picked up 3 of the 4 Rama books by Arthur C Clarke from the charity shop the other day while waiting for the chemist to refill my meds. Double happy.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I'm so over it
So I finished my exams and I am still sort of coming off the back of that.
I got so sick of it towards the end, the feeling that I ought to be working. Not having time to relax or clean up or do anything.
I don't think I epically phailed any of them but the results don't come through till August so it's playing the waiting game.
My mental health has been okay. In many ways the stress of the exams meant I was so focused on that, I didn't have time to feel weird and all that mental energy that might other wise go into being self destructive was used up. Only a few minor self harm incidents under very stressful circumstance. There are some problems renewing the contract on our flat and we have to get the carpets cleaned and fix up the back garden which is a stress especially as Jakey is a fucking disaster. he gets grumpy about doing cleaning, finds ways to argue it is unnecessary, the effort which goes into convincing him leaves me exhausted with it.
There is of course a bunch of work to do for next year, which it seems is going to be far more coursework based so I can't afford to leave anything until the last minute like you kind of can with exams.
Things have however been conspiring to piss me off over the last few days.
I had saved up for an ordered and XBox 360 as my post exam treat. It was delivered and was faulty. I looked at their website and it said 'try X and Y and if Z happens it means the power button is faulty call customer services' so I called them. Biggest mistake ever. The woman I got was so incompetent I was practically smashing the phone on the desk. At the start of the call I tell her exactly what the problem is. She asked me to re-explain 3 times. Then she wants to look up my account, I'm like 'It's brand new, I don't have an account' she wants to register me an account. i say I don't want to register an account because I will probably be sending it back, I just want to confirm I'm not being an idiot and there isn't some reset switch I have missed somewhere.
Nope. She decides to register an account. She takes the serial number of the console, goes off, comes back, asks me to repeat it, goes off, comes back, asks me to repeat it, then says 'right now I can try to bring up your account' I'm like 'DO NOT HAVE. IS NEW' So she goes to create and account. I have to painfully spell out my name and address, it takes 10 minutes, no exaggeration, for her to get my address, party because she can't tell M from N and I am going nuts at this point. Then she asks for my e-mail address and I just say I don't have one because I am sick of spelling shit out to her.
So then she asks what the problem is AGAIN, and finally starts to take me through the troubleshooting steps from the website, I mean we are probably reading them off the same page. Finally after close to 40 minutes on the phone she tells me the problem is the exact same thing I said to her at the very start of the call. She wants me to send it in for repairs, for the fifth time I tell her it is new and so I don't want it repaired I will send it back. She starts asking me if I have a receipt and I'm like did you not listen to my original question. She then decides to give me a reference number, but first she has to document the whole call typing it out so fucking slowly I am crying blood, then she says 'Ok before I give you the reference number let's recap' and I scream 'Nooooooooooo nooo recap, just give me the number'.
So after all that bollocks I phone HMV who I ordered it from and they say 'Oh that's very unusual that it is broken' great so I am one of the lucky few, and they try and tell me I need to pack it go, toddle down to the post office and get it sent back to their warehouse recorded delivery. Um, no fucking way, even if I wasn't agoraphobic I wouldn't want to be wandering round London with a new games console and since I paid for it and they sent it faulty they should make the effort to fix the problem.
To be fair this woman was completely competent and polite and after me puffing and grrring a bit she agreed to send a courier to collect it.
I just want to play gaaaaaaaaaaames! But it looks like it will be a week before this gets sorted as they will have to get it back and then ship a new one.
Jakey's parents sent me some Birthday money and so did some if his family so I am busy legitimately spending that on treats rather than buying nice things and feeling guilty. I don't actually buy that much stuff. I saved up for the XBox a bit at a time during the year for the after exam thing. I have been drinking wine lately. No ciggies. No nights in the pub or out clubbing. I haven't bought new clothes that are not in sale or from the charity shop for about a millions years. My DVD rental is a 3 months for the price of one deal so I have been using that and not buying any DVDs. I guess the main expense is the cats. Their special diets (le sigh) and vet bills. And that's not frittering - the cats are a really big important part of my life. I think on the whole they are good for me. They give me a happy :) Anyway why am I justifying my spending like I'm HazelfrakkingBlears.
I am proud of Jakey for negotiating the tube strike. I think he doesn't realise how competent he is, especially at home when he either doesn't have to be or is afraid of doing something wrong and pissing me off. I tried to explain to him, if you do something yourself, take the initiative, try and do it, it won't be wrong or piss me off, it's just constantly asking me how to do things - or like this morning making me get out of bed to find a bag for him that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE srsly.
I have been self medicating with:
I got so sick of it towards the end, the feeling that I ought to be working. Not having time to relax or clean up or do anything.
I don't think I epically phailed any of them but the results don't come through till August so it's playing the waiting game.
My mental health has been okay. In many ways the stress of the exams meant I was so focused on that, I didn't have time to feel weird and all that mental energy that might other wise go into being self destructive was used up. Only a few minor self harm incidents under very stressful circumstance. There are some problems renewing the contract on our flat and we have to get the carpets cleaned and fix up the back garden which is a stress especially as Jakey is a fucking disaster. he gets grumpy about doing cleaning, finds ways to argue it is unnecessary, the effort which goes into convincing him leaves me exhausted with it.
There is of course a bunch of work to do for next year, which it seems is going to be far more coursework based so I can't afford to leave anything until the last minute like you kind of can with exams.
Things have however been conspiring to piss me off over the last few days.
I had saved up for an ordered and XBox 360 as my post exam treat. It was delivered and was faulty. I looked at their website and it said 'try X and Y and if Z happens it means the power button is faulty call customer services' so I called them. Biggest mistake ever. The woman I got was so incompetent I was practically smashing the phone on the desk. At the start of the call I tell her exactly what the problem is. She asked me to re-explain 3 times. Then she wants to look up my account, I'm like 'It's brand new, I don't have an account' she wants to register me an account. i say I don't want to register an account because I will probably be sending it back, I just want to confirm I'm not being an idiot and there isn't some reset switch I have missed somewhere.
Nope. She decides to register an account. She takes the serial number of the console, goes off, comes back, asks me to repeat it, goes off, comes back, asks me to repeat it, then says 'right now I can try to bring up your account' I'm like 'DO NOT HAVE. IS NEW' So she goes to create and account. I have to painfully spell out my name and address, it takes 10 minutes, no exaggeration, for her to get my address, party because she can't tell M from N and I am going nuts at this point. Then she asks for my e-mail address and I just say I don't have one because I am sick of spelling shit out to her.
So then she asks what the problem is AGAIN, and finally starts to take me through the troubleshooting steps from the website, I mean we are probably reading them off the same page. Finally after close to 40 minutes on the phone she tells me the problem is the exact same thing I said to her at the very start of the call. She wants me to send it in for repairs, for the fifth time I tell her it is new and so I don't want it repaired I will send it back. She starts asking me if I have a receipt and I'm like did you not listen to my original question. She then decides to give me a reference number, but first she has to document the whole call typing it out so fucking slowly I am crying blood, then she says 'Ok before I give you the reference number let's recap' and I scream 'Nooooooooooo nooo recap, just give me the number'.
So after all that bollocks I phone HMV who I ordered it from and they say 'Oh that's very unusual that it is broken' great so I am one of the lucky few, and they try and tell me I need to pack it go, toddle down to the post office and get it sent back to their warehouse recorded delivery. Um, no fucking way, even if I wasn't agoraphobic I wouldn't want to be wandering round London with a new games console and since I paid for it and they sent it faulty they should make the effort to fix the problem.
To be fair this woman was completely competent and polite and after me puffing and grrring a bit she agreed to send a courier to collect it.
I just want to play gaaaaaaaaaaames! But it looks like it will be a week before this gets sorted as they will have to get it back and then ship a new one.
Jakey's parents sent me some Birthday money and so did some if his family so I am busy legitimately spending that on treats rather than buying nice things and feeling guilty. I don't actually buy that much stuff. I saved up for the XBox a bit at a time during the year for the after exam thing. I have been drinking wine lately. No ciggies. No nights in the pub or out clubbing. I haven't bought new clothes that are not in sale or from the charity shop for about a millions years. My DVD rental is a 3 months for the price of one deal so I have been using that and not buying any DVDs. I guess the main expense is the cats. Their special diets (le sigh) and vet bills. And that's not frittering - the cats are a really big important part of my life. I think on the whole they are good for me. They give me a happy :) Anyway why am I justifying my spending like I'm HazelfrakkingBlears.
I am proud of Jakey for negotiating the tube strike. I think he doesn't realise how competent he is, especially at home when he either doesn't have to be or is afraid of doing something wrong and pissing me off. I tried to explain to him, if you do something yourself, take the initiative, try and do it, it won't be wrong or piss me off, it's just constantly asking me how to do things - or like this morning making me get out of bed to find a bag for him that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE srsly.
I have been self medicating with:
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Oh. My. God.
So tired. We had a flat inspection so I have been cleaning for the last week. I borrowed my parents hoover and it is so much better than mine that I now actualy want to spend £100 on a good hoover. That means something doesn't it? Srsly.
I was a bit narked off that Jakey didn't say 'I know you are busy with revision so I'll do the washing up/ wash the kitchen floor/ not leave my pants which can stand up on their own on the floor in front of the washing machine instead of putting them in the machine or heaven forbid turning it on.' but it's okay. There are things I can't do that he has to mop up, like going out type things, and there are things he can't do... everything else? - joke, that I do. It's ok.
The asshats were an hour late meaning I held my pee for way longer than is healthy, and as soon as they turned up the cat decided to go running around like 'Oh hai! I is a cat! Here I is!'. The letting agent okayed us having a cat but sort of unbofficialy.
I have been working hard planning my thesis and got e-mails back from two people Jakey put me in touch with saying they might know suitable participants for my study.
Did my first longer than 5K run today. It was fine but I am still getting too hot. I think I need to go to a proper running shop and see if they sell something that is both long sleeved and cool.
12 days till the first exam. Arrrrrrrrg.
I have been self medicating with: Cans of coke zero
I was a bit narked off that Jakey didn't say 'I know you are busy with revision so I'll do the washing up/ wash the kitchen floor/ not leave my pants which can stand up on their own on the floor in front of the washing machine instead of putting them in the machine or heaven forbid turning it on.' but it's okay. There are things I can't do that he has to mop up, like going out type things, and there are things he can't do... everything else? - joke, that I do. It's ok.
The asshats were an hour late meaning I held my pee for way longer than is healthy, and as soon as they turned up the cat decided to go running around like 'Oh hai! I is a cat! Here I is!'. The letting agent okayed us having a cat but sort of unbofficialy.
I have been working hard planning my thesis and got e-mails back from two people Jakey put me in touch with saying they might know suitable participants for my study.
Did my first longer than 5K run today. It was fine but I am still getting too hot. I think I need to go to a proper running shop and see if they sell something that is both long sleeved and cool.
12 days till the first exam. Arrrrrrrrg.
I have been self medicating with: Cans of coke zero
Friday, April 24, 2009
Rah rah rah
Apparently Londoners are grumpy.
I'm a grumpy Londoner because when you are trying to walk around, as I was today, people just STOP abruptly in the middle of the street bringing the flow of people traffic to a halt.
And dick heads who 'let the passengers off the train first' by standing in front of the doors. Move to the side fuckwads. The amount of times I mention that one because it is my pet pet pet peeve.
And a guy knocked me over with his huge backpack in HMV.
And then I got on the tube home and there was a nutter. Not a bona fide nutter but this guy trying to be extra. He had his shades on and his little goatee beard and was dressed like... he looked like a black guy dressed as System of a Greenday Biscuit. And he was singing along to his music but not words, all these sorts of pows and chirrups and squeaks. And the rocking and drumming. Then he got a subway out of the bottom of his bag and ate it.
And why do people walk so damn slowly? Like I actually want to get somewhere before tomorrow thank you.
My CPN appointment didn't happen yesterday. I got there and waited 30 minutes and then wtf'd at the guy at the desk. He didn't have a clue and after sending this gormless bloke to go look for her at her desk (though he was so gormless he didn't know who she was, where her desk was or even how to get through the door to the out of bounds to mentalists bit) he said he would get her to call me.
Hours later they call and say she was off sick but the guy at reception didn't know. When I arrived he must have told someone I was there right, that is his job... just not my CPN because she wasn't there at all.
Dude.
So I am hot and bothered, I have rancid foot, this fucking blister monster that keeps me up at night itching till I cover it in cocoa butter and bandage it up, and it's my Dad's Birthday coming up (was present shopping today) which means I will have to try and co-ordinate my sisters into some kind of party mode and at least one of them will phail.
I have been self medicating with: Getting home just in time for parcelforce. Huzza.
I'm a grumpy Londoner because when you are trying to walk around, as I was today, people just STOP abruptly in the middle of the street bringing the flow of people traffic to a halt.
And dick heads who 'let the passengers off the train first' by standing in front of the doors. Move to the side fuckwads. The amount of times I mention that one because it is my pet pet pet peeve.
And a guy knocked me over with his huge backpack in HMV.
And then I got on the tube home and there was a nutter. Not a bona fide nutter but this guy trying to be extra. He had his shades on and his little goatee beard and was dressed like... he looked like a black guy dressed as System of a Greenday Biscuit. And he was singing along to his music but not words, all these sorts of pows and chirrups and squeaks. And the rocking and drumming. Then he got a subway out of the bottom of his bag and ate it.
And why do people walk so damn slowly? Like I actually want to get somewhere before tomorrow thank you.
My CPN appointment didn't happen yesterday. I got there and waited 30 minutes and then wtf'd at the guy at the desk. He didn't have a clue and after sending this gormless bloke to go look for her at her desk (though he was so gormless he didn't know who she was, where her desk was or even how to get through the door to the out of bounds to mentalists bit) he said he would get her to call me.
Hours later they call and say she was off sick but the guy at reception didn't know. When I arrived he must have told someone I was there right, that is his job... just not my CPN because she wasn't there at all.
Dude.
So I am hot and bothered, I have rancid foot, this fucking blister monster that keeps me up at night itching till I cover it in cocoa butter and bandage it up, and it's my Dad's Birthday coming up (was present shopping today) which means I will have to try and co-ordinate my sisters into some kind of party mode and at least one of them will phail.
I have been self medicating with: Getting home just in time for parcelforce. Huzza.
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